But maybe I understand. Maybe it’s just that when God is doing something so big in someone’s life, they can’t stand to keep it to themselves. I guess that’s really my main motivation for writing. I have other intentions like using this as a resource to write down stories that I have so that I can come back to read them later and remember what God has done in my life, and to share with people whom I love all of the things that I would want to share with them if I were able to spend time with them. Side note– I am overwhelmed at how many people who I dearly love and hold close to my heart who Jesus has allowed me to know that are all over the place!! Sometimes, my heart just longs for people and I wish I could be in a bunch of different cities at once! But it is in those moments that I find peace and satisfaction knowing that I am exactly where Jesus wants me and has led me for this period of my life. (End side note). Clearly, I am not a good blogger, not even a decent blogger, as can be seen by the multitude of previously unfinished series that I have always begun with good intentions. Good intentions with very poor follow through. Which is why writing this very blog now must mean that my motivations must be much stronger than before. And they are. He is. The Lord’s fire is consuming my life in a new way. I cannot contain it.

So I blog.

God has called me to Haiti. Specifically, to Gressier, a city about 20 miles west of Port Au Prince. And it is utterly amazing how God has been preparing me for this without me knowing it for so long now. I see Him in specific instances, like when I was studying at Bodega Bean every evening for my GRE, making vocab flash cards, and emailing professors from potential grad schools where I would get my counseling degree. I was just going along with the plan I’ve had since I was 14 years old; I would go to college and wouldn’t quit until I had my doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Even when I felt God was calling me to ministry for teenage girls, and He began growing the passion within me for girls who are on the streets and who have been trafficked, I thought, “My plan can totally fit in with His plan. This way, we both win.” But when applying for grad schools one night, I had this sense of overwhelming unrest. And I argued with God. Why are you messing with the plan? And then, I knew God was leading me back to Rec Staff this past summer. And I argued with Him. Jesus, I thought I was done with that! And then, I heard of Respire Haiti. And I was presented the opportunity to go. Just go. I didn’t sign up for something through an organization, and I don’t have a mission team that has sessions to prepare before you leave. My heart began beating out of my chest, and I argued with God again. Thank you, Lord, for the patience you have shown me. Every morning, I wake up and say, “Are you sure?” And every day, God floods me with peace. And more things fall into place. And I am humbled that God would even use a girl like me, who only does things after kicking and screaming and arguing. (Btw– there are so many things that line up to me going to Haiti in the past year. I could go on and on!)

This theme of losing all control and fully surrendering to my Lord and Savior has been continually washed over me. I see it in every scripture that I read, and I feel it in every breath that I take. I cannot do this on my own. And by this, I mean ANYTHING. I can’t breathe, I can’t minister to people, I can’t mentor, I can’t let go of my own plans, I can’t go to Haiti, I cannot do ANYTHING without HIM!! That is the freedom that I pray over each of you who reads this. The Freedom of knowing that you are made and loved by the God of the universe who is faithful and trustworthy enough to surrender everything to. I am at the scariest and most rewarding place I have ever been in my life. It is Freedom. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I graduated from college and am currently living the life of a nomad as I am not following the plans that I was told my whole life that I needed to have when I graduate. I have no job, no husband, no true place of residence. God’s plan for me requires that I follow Him with all that I have, and I have had to trust Him in ways that I never had before. I am more in love with Him today than I was yesterday. Freedom.

I don’t have a lot of details. I’m working on passport and visa issues so that I can get a date of when I’ll be leaving. It’s almost undoubtedly going to be mid-to-late September, and I’m not entirely sure how long I’ll be staying yet. I’m not sure how much it’s going to cost. But here’s what I do know. I’ll be working with an organization called Respire Haiti that was started in the summer of 2010 by Megan Boudreaux who I have not met yet, but who I wholeheartedly admire. Read her blog here. The school that Megan has started in Gressier has pretty suddenly grown from 97 kiddos to 300!! Each child needs a sponsor, so I will be getting background info, etc. on the children so that we can get that information to people who want to sponsor a child! I can’t help but cry just thinking of all the people I will get to meet, the stories I will hear. I am so humbled. I am so excited. I have more emotions than I probably need to express.

When I get more details, I will post them here. Or at least I will try. In the mean time, the Lord has been teaching me so much about how to truly rely on Him and what it really looks like to be a woman who follows after the Lord. So, I will leave you with this, a passage I have read and heard sermons on my whole life, but I now read in a new way. I am humbled by these men who did not hesitate or argue or ask questions when Jesus called. I pray God consumes my heart with such an insatiable love for Him that I am this quick to be obedient for the rest of my life.
Matthew 4:18-22
“As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” At once they left their nets and followed him. Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.”

So. Jacqueline and I made our trek up to Belton last Wednesday (May 26), and it was super hard to say goodbye to my mom and sisters and my hometown friends who I don’t see enough of during the school year. I love them. And I was finally getting used to seeing the gorgeous faces of my mom, Holly, and Staci every single day. I miss them; I mean, I’m tearing up as I write this. So in those moments of saying goodbye, it’s so easy for me to call into question everything that God has laid on my heart this past semester, everything that He has provided me with and taught me in order to be equipped for this summer. But the truth is, He has divinely orchestrated this amazing team for me to live with and to serve with who truly seek to do His work not only individually but together, and in this past week, the Lord has made it so clear to me over and over again that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Why do I always doubt my perfect Savior and think that I may have a better plan? You have never failed me.

This is my third summer to do Rec Staff. Which makes me old. But this is a ministry that I am absolutely in love with, so I can’t help but come running back every summer. I look at my life just three years ago, and I don’t even recognize the person who I used to be. There is no way that I can deny how God has used being a part of the UMHB rec staff to heal my heart and change my life. I cannot tell you how excited I am to see what God has in store for this summer!!! Ah! I’m just ready to leave now!!

Anyway, I can’t even explain to you how He is already working. This team is amazing. Sam, Rachel, Levi, Jacqueline, and Clayton: I love you all dearly.

I’m tired, so I’m not writing any specific stories yet. Moral of the blog: God is faithful, even when I doubt. He is already moving, and He will continue to move and provide this summer. I fully anticipate for Him to blow me away as I watch Him work in the lives of others and as He continues to mold me into a woman of God who truly desires after Him.

p.s: mannequins are creepy. end of story.
p.p.s: jacqueline, rachel, and I are currently participating in pillow talk (which is NOT a gross term, as someone told me this week that it was) and laughing so hard my tummy hurts. begin amazing summer here.

Especially after tonight. We had our “appreciation banquet” and all of us had unique table settings done by our friends and organizations we represent. I don’t think I made it in the door ten feet before I saw my place and busted out in tears. It was the most beautiful representation of everything that I love and hold so dear to my heart. Thank you Julia, Rachelle, and Abby for making it so special and personal. Thank you for loving me enough to know me that well. It was covered in black and white pictures of me and the people I love and had beautiful letters from my mom and sisters, my best friends, and some lead pageant people. Of course that doesn’t even scratch the surface of everything, but I’ll post a picture to help you get a better image. I haven’t cried that much in a long time. I just couldn’t stop! It was perfect.

I’m gonna make this pretty short because I need to iron my suit still before I go to bed! Ha, I have a suit. I feel so grown up. It’s weird. Anyway, I feel like I should quickly and maybe not quite so eloquently tell of something God has been teaching me. Actually, He has been teaching me an incredible amount lately, so this is just a glimpse of it. Apparently, Dr. Byron taught the Focus that I missed for pageant practice on a subject really similar to this. I’m sad I missed it.

I don’t have all the answers. And there are things that I still want and desire and am anxious about that maybe I shouldn’t. And I still have a ton of questions. But what I’m learning is, it’s not necessarily about the answers in and of themselves, it’s about the journey to the answers. Maybe that seems elementary to some of you, but it is quite astounding to me. While I am in this kind of transitional period in my life where I feel like I am waiting to graduate and really start what I have been called to do, just waiting for the next few years to get here, God is working in me right here and preparing me for that future right now, drawing me closer to Him and growing me into the Godly woman He desires me to be. And it doesn’t necessarily matter what the future holds, it’s that when it comes, I am willing to follow after His will. Am I making any sense? My prayer lately has been that He would take any anxiety about future things and make that the farthest thing from my mind, that I won’t even think about it. Or if I do think about it, I would have the biggest peace that He’s got it covered; He already conquered it. I am truly filled with indescribable peace, joy, and hope. Thank you for my answered prayer.

I could go back and edit all that so it sounded prettier and had better grammar, but I’m not going to.

So I am not going to put a link for this song, but I’m going to put its lyrics, and I hope you really read them and then go listen to it. If you wanted to know me better, this is the cry of my heart.

Sometimes your calling comes in dreams.
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit’s breeze.
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
and call out for the things of eternity.

But I’m a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,

CHORUS:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it’s hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.

These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing
(chorus)

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I’ll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I’m just one of the pieces,
I can’t put this together but you can.

“Here I Am” by Downhere

I am learning to rejoice in the Lord, and succeeding I believe. I have heard this passage just about a million times throughout my life, but lately, it has truly been the cry of my heart.

If I look like an unblemished, perfect person, I can assure you I am not. I have deep scars and wounds that I still struggle with on a daily basis. The pain comes in waves. I have days where it seems unbearable, like I can hardly breathe. And then, there are days where I am fine, and I make it through. But what God is really teaching me right now is how to truly rejoice in Him, how to completely derive my hope and my joy from Christ alone. Even on those days where the hurt inside my chest is excruciating, I can rejoice and I can smile. And my days of agony visit me less frequently.

I read this passage in Philippians 4, and I get so pumped and excited. Here it is, what I’ve been longing for, spelled out right here in front of me. I have put Christ at the absolute center of my life where everything revolves around Him (don‘t get me wrong, I fail at this some/lots days), and because of this, I have no reason to worry. He is near! He is coming! But until then, He is my best friend and confidant, He is what keeps me going. When life tries to get me down, or when I feel like jumping forward in my life a few years to just skip all this hard junk, I don’t have to be anxious. I can rest assured that Christ has got it in the bag, and until then, all I have to do is give Him my days, serve Him with my life.

This past week, God has given me an overwhelming peace about all of my circumstances. This is how I rejoice. This is how I know He has His hand on me, and I am so thankful, I can’t help but want to shout it from the rooftops… or at least tell almost everyone I come in contact with.

I will rejoice! I will declare! God is my victory, and He is here!

Please tell me that gets you as excited as it gets me!

It’s funny how things that God teaches me all line up. I spent the entire summer focusing on Christ’s love, and now I am focusing on His joy and peace. But they all build on top of one another, all making me fall in love with who my Father is even more. He has never failed me; I have no choice but to surrender my whole life to Him. I am overjoyed.

Psalm 32:10-11
“Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the Lord’s unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you are upright in heart!”

Side-note: Brooke Fraser is fantastic. I have become obsessed with her these past couple weeks, I recommend you go listen to some of her stuff right now!

Oh, and 9 days til pageant…no big.

I should probably inform you that I have a crazy case of insomnia as of late. Hence why, at this very moment, I am not asleep. No, I am not drinking caffeine; I’ve cut it out of my diet almost entirely. Impressive, I know. And no, I’m not sleeping during the day. And I can’t really say that I’m overly stressed or have a lot on my mind. I mean, if I really had to pinpoint a reason why this insomnia has taken over my body, it would be due to the stress thing, but that’s not true enough to be a cause for diagnosis, and I am really just quite puzzled as to what is keeping me awake in these early morning hours. WHY? So silly… So on this night, when I have tossed and turned for an hour or so now, I’ll blog. And then I’ll try this whole falling sleep thing again. Wish me luck.

What you’re about to read is an outpour of my heart and what God has been teaching me lately. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The past couple of weeks have been an experiment on what happens if Lisa makes a fool of herself in almost every situation she encounters. The funny thing is, one would think that after having weeks like this I would feel downtrodden and insecure. False. By the grace of God, I am learning that being vulnerable and opening myself up to embrace failure is helping me to grow and gain confidence in myself (not that I was self-conscious or anything before, but that is beside the point). Let’s be honest: I’m not graceful, I don’t always look put together, I say really dumb things sometimes, I’m not super thin like the world tells me to be, and I’m just not perfect. But I have a philosophy that started with Rec Staff this summer, and I have stretched it into my daily life. If I make a huge fool of myself first, everyone around me will feel a whole lot more comfortable because they couldn’t possibly look as ridiculous as I did. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go around doing dumb things on purpose, that just means I’m not going to be afraid to be myself. I’m going to make myself a little bit more vulnerable to people. I have come to find that if I open up about myself, my life, my past, my story, etc., it can really help people to know they’re not alone and it’s okay to talk about things that make us uncomfortable sometimes. I’m okay with looking silly and being vulnerable. I honestly don’t see any disadvantages to it at all. This is my definition of “being real”, which is a phrase that I HATE by the way.

You know that song “Undignified”? I think this line applies quite well:
I will become even more undignified than this, lay my pride by my side!

This next part may seem to be incongruent with the previous paragraph, but I assure you it is not.

You can call it Satan or me being hard on myself or both– call it what you will, but until a few days ago I was bogged down by this one phrase that seemed to haunt me:

You’re not good enough.

I have always been pretty self-confident, but in the past two years, that has declined a little. I gained a lot of weight my first two years of college, and any time a camera came near, I kind of wanted to hide under a rock. In case you haven’t noticed, since August I have lost 15 pounds and counting. I feel so good, and it’s not just because of how I look. I just feel healthier. I’m not dieting; I’m making a lifestyle change. I have to buy new clothes because my old ones are too big, and I feel good! And then the dumb little phrase peers its wicked head: You’re still not good enough. I have no idea how to write a poem that is worthy of publication for my creative writing class and am completely terrified to turn anything in. You’re not good enough. Two Tuesdays ago, the vocals on my talent were not anywhere near what they needed to be. You’re not good enough. That guy, or any guy for that matter, isn’t tripping over himself to be with me. You’re not good enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not good enough! AH!

And right when I hit that point, of being so discouraged and insecure, God grabs my hand and shows me what He has been trying to show me for weeks now. I am incredibly thankful He’s so patient, and that He clearly shows me the , because there are so many times when I don’t realize what He’s teaching me even if it hits me right in the face. That little phrase, it was right. I’m not good enough. I can’t do anything on my own. But in Christ, I am more than good enough. I know that sounds so cliché and trite and overused, but I guess I never truly thought about or needed to think about those words before, and they hit me like a ton of bricks. In Christ, I’m not just average, I am something of significance. I am undoubtedly beyond good enough. I am uniquely made. I am a crown of beauty, a royal diadem. I am pure and blameless. Every time I start wondering if I’m good enough, I don’t even hesitate to know the answer.  Thank you Father for taking this broken mess and making me something to be treasured.

Okay so a quick wrap up: 1. I am consistently undignified which is a good thing. 2. In Christ, there is no need to question whether or not I am good enough.

Alright so last thing before I try this whole sleep thing again. I LOVE the song Second Chance by Hillsong United. It’s fantastic. I’ve known it for awhile but forgotten about it until Kelsey played it in her car this weekend, and I really think it’s one of those songs that it’s impossible not to sing along and sing loud! Go listen! Here’s a link: CLICK!

So I’ll wait upon You now
With my hands released to You
Where a little faith’s enough
To see mountains lift and move.

How could greater love than this
Ever possibly exist?

This is well over 1000 words. Check me if you don’t believe me. Goodnight!  Have a great Thursday!

Life is hard.

In my last blog, I’m not sure I got my point entirely across, rather I just got on a tangent and went with it; a tangent I believe in, just not the one I was genuinely feeling. It was more like a lesson plan then a blog. Well, at least in my mind there is a difference.

My whole life I have been exposed to broken, terrible relationships. Therefore, my mission and my heart have been placed with teenage girls where they are at such a pivotal age in learning about Christ and His love and what good relationships should truly look like. I have these rules that I beg of them to follow like: don’t say I love you, make him pursue you and don’t chase after him, make sure you keep Christ front and center. There is a reason for all these rules, and I have been repeating them over and over for years. But I am the biggest hypocrite. I broke most of my rules. And I am scrambling to pick up the pieces of my heart off the floor, but most of all, I am desperately trying to get back the pieces that I gave away.

I pour my whole heart into people. So when I commit to a person, I am completely committed. I am learning to treat this trait as a gift instead of a curse, but it has taken months, and I’m still learning. I am not comparing myself to Christ, because I feel like my name shouldn’t even be in the same sentence as His most days, but Christ loved people with His whole heart as well. He never gave up though He was repeatedly betrayed and heartbroken by those He cared about so deeply. He still never gives up when we completely turn our backs on Him. So I guess I should be honored by this trait and not treat it like a character flaw. I just wish I knew how to use it more efficiently.

Life is hard.

But God is teaching me how to really put my hope in Him. There are days when I am so overwhelmed and dread walking out my front door in the mornings, but I do it; and He holds my hand the whole way. I keep my head up when my chest feels like it’s sinking in because I know that He is all I need.

All our hope is in You;
All MY hope is in You;
All the glory to You, God,
The light of the world.

Are you ready for a delightfully cheesy, make-you-wanna-brush-your-teeth sweet blog? Good. Me too.

I, Lisa, am a movie addict. I love movies. I collect them and have more than 100 to my name. It genuinely brightens my day to visit the five dollar movie bin at walmart. I love opening a brand new DVD. I LOVE going to see a movie in the theatre. And most of all, I love handing control of my emotions over to a good chick flick.

Oh, here is where my problem begins. Somewhere along the line, I’m thinking when I was first introduced to Disney Princess movies (ya know, like at birth), I became engrossed in this idea of a fairytale, that my prince would come and sweep me off my feet with this huge gesture that showed how much he truly loved me, and I would obviously know that he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with after just one kiss. Honestly, I am twenty years old, and I still get caught up in it. Though I probably should be ashamed, I am absolutely positive that I am not the only girl that gets hung up in this dream. Look at what we have been fed all of our lives!

The Little Mermaid: Prince Eric risks his life for Ariel, coming back to fight off the evil Ursula though she is much more powerful than he could ever be.

Pretty Woman: Just when we think Vivian has left him for good, Edward drives up to her apartment with a limo and a bouquet of red roses, then runs up the fire escape stairs to rescue her from her less than satisfactory life.

Dirty Dancing: Who can forget the famous “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” scene?

Pride and Prejudice: Mr. Darcy, after his proposal was coldly rejected, still walks miles to tell Elizabeth he loves her, though she is off significantly lower social status and his family objects to it.

A Cinderella Story: Chad Michael Murray (I mean, honestly, who cares what his name in the movie is? He’s Chad Michael Murray!) runs away from his college football career and his father’s dreams by running off the field in the middle of a game to make sure Sam, Hilary Duff, doesn’t get away! All of this followed by a kiss in the rain that makes every single girls’ heart melt.

The Prince and Me: He flies all the way from Denmark to see her at her graduation and get her back after she has backed out of their engagement. He says he’ll wait for her! Awww…

The Notebook: Noah wrote her every day for a year. And after all this time following their whirlwind romance, he is still madly in love with her.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: He chases after her cab on his motorcycle and won’t let her get away.

The sad part is, these don’t even scratch the surface of how many movies are out there that we allow to take hold of our female emotions and run away with them. We are mesmerized by them, and our hearts start racing, our stomachs get butterflies, and we all yearn for the life-lasting love displayed upon our television screens. How realistic is all of this? Are we setting ourselves up for failure? Well, yes and no. Let me explain.

My heart and passion is for teaching and mentoring teenage girls. One of the biggest subjects that we deal with is that of “boys” and how we tend to place all of our hope in these silly hormone-raging young men struggling to figure out who they are, essentially baiting our own trap of heartbreak. But we do it, without fail. We get crushes that take over our entire lives, the way we think, act, dress, etc. All for someone who is guaranteed to fail us. When I get the opportunity to work with these beautiful teenage girls, whether at camps or d-nows or hanging with my sisters friends or whatever it is, I tell them all the same thing: 1. First and foremost, you have to be completely satisfied in Christ and establish your relationship with Him before you can have a successful relationship with a boy, otherwise it is way too easy and almost guaranteed that we will put the boy at the forefront of our minds and push God to the back. 2. No matter what, do not settle for less than you deserve, and you deserve the world.

I believe these things whole-heartedly, but I have my days where I still fall victim to my hopeless romanticism. I have days when I am completely unwilling to wait for my happy ending; I want it now. I think the first thing we have to do as girls to get over this never-ending cycle is understand how our desires are programmed within us. We all want to be pursued and made to feel like we are worthy of putting in a little extra effort; I like to call this “The Chase”. We all desire to be loved, so much that a man is willing to inconvenience himself in a big way or make himself entirely vulnerable to prove that he does; this would be known as “The Big Gesture”. Finally, we all long for that “Happily Ever After”, which is realistically dwindling as the American divorce rate is skyrocketing as we speak. What makes a good chick flick? It contains all of these elements in some way, shape, or form. The Chase, The Big Gesture, and The Happily Ever After. We turn to mush in our seats because we desire to obtain all of these things, and when we get to that place, our greatest dream is placed in the hands of a mere human. Do you see the problem here?

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.
Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring Him praise.

How do I always forget? Christ has chased me and called out my name in perfect pursuit. He has already made the ULTIMATE GESTURE by dying a brutal death on the cross for inconsistent and undeserving me. And He promises an everlasting love that can never be taken away. Never. This is my Happily Ever After. I can do nothing else but put all of my hope and trust and faith in Christ, being completely satisfied and content in what He is and what He has for me.

Men will fail me; Christ will not. (Isaiah 40:6-8)

So knowing that every man will fail me, does this mean I should abandon my dreams of prince charming and settle for someone less than what I have dreamed of? Is it unrealistic to believe that he will come? Absolutely not. As a good friend of mine told me, and it kind of stuck: God will not show us gold and give us silver. I will preach this forever. No girl, young lady, woman, or whoever should ever sell themselves short. If we put God first in our lives and know that He is our true Savior and “white knight”, our expectations will shift. We can’t expect any guy to be perfect. They won’t always come chasing after us when we run away. They won’t always say exactly the right things. And they won’t always know be able to show us the way they feel like those guys on the movie screen. But here is what we can expect: I can expect for the man who receives me heart to indulge Himself in Christ and have a daily personal relationship with Him. That IS realistic. If we both do that, we won’t have a perfect relationship, but we will have a better understanding of Christ’s perfect love. That is the only way to overcome the detrimental decline of what used to be sacred marriage all around us. The only long-lasting relationship built on true love is a relationship that has been created upon the foundation of Christ.

But until I find that person and even after I do, I am satisfied with Christ. He is my portion. He is my everything. He is my love story. Whether I fall in love someday with a godly man or spend the rest of my life living for Christ solo, I will be content. Even on those days where that contentment seems like the farthest thing from the way my heart is feeling (ex: weeks like this one), I know Christ has all control. When I feel like I am drowning in heartache, I know He keeps my head above water. He is all I need.

However, I have my whole life ahead of me, so these worries about the romance of my future will be set aside for now. I’m such a girl.

1506 words. I feel quite accomplished.

God taught me so much about forgiveness this summer. For years now, God has been continually healing my heart and teaching me how to make my scars beautiful. He is always showing me how I can bring Him glory in my weakness. Always. There are so many days when I look at myself with disgust and feelings of inadequacy. What do I have to offer anyone? How can I be of any use? Every time I even begin to think these things, God shows me in different, perfect ways how I am so wrong. When I completely surrender myself to Him and walk in constant relationship with Him, it is then that I am truly beautiful and useable, or I guess I should say “we” are beautiful and useable. But that whole surrendering thing…that’s a whole different story, huh? So much harder than it seems. This summer, God taught me so much about forgiveness and love: how to forgive and love myself, how to forgive and love those who have hurt me, how Christ forgives and loves me. In this whole process of healing, the Lord has enabled me to forgive the person who caused and continually causes the biggest hurts in my heart. I no longer yearned for those words because my Daddy in heaven is sufficient for me, and I am completely satisfied in Him and Him alone. I have moved on. Ah! I can’t tell you how blessed I am, and how He has just wrapped His arms around me in every situation, even in hard weeks like this one.

Today, I received an email that was so perfect, I probably could have written it myself. It said everything I have wanted to hear since I was a little girl. But I have moved on, right? So why can I hardly even think about it without tearing up? I have forgiven you. I love you. I just don’t know how quickly I can tear down this boundary that I have so strictly put up to keep myself from getting hurt again. Coming from the mouths of imperfect people, words are just words. They are not magical like I thought. Actions supporting words are what truly bring words their authenticity.

Hallelujah to the Lord Above for giving me His Holy Word, and beautiful, selfless actions that cause me to always be able to run and jump into His arms.

For a completely different jump of subject: I love pageant. Pageant practices started yesterday night, and I am so encouraged by all of the gorgeous contestants. It is a great way to end every day with uplifting smiles and hugs. I love it.

Next subject: I have been in such a funk these past couple of days. I have had so much on my mind that I haven’t been sleeping, just lying in bed, tossing and turning as if I may be able to find a spot more comfortable than the one before. It’s miserable. Julia and I went to wal-mart and bought ice cream, cool whip, and frozen mix for virgin strawberry daiquiris and visited the five dollar movie bin to brighten our moods. It was wonderful therapy, and the perfect ending to a terrible week.

See You At The Pole in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. My bad week is officially over!

Oh, go here and listen to “Missing You” by Nick Thurmond. It’s one of those worship songs that I don’t think ever gets old. Sing it out, kids!

Okay, so this one is 678 words. Not quite exemplary, but I’m okay with it.

This has been a difficult weekend. A man whom I know passed away this past week. As I thought about it though, I realized how little I really knew him I suppose. I don’t even know if I knew him well enough to have the right to write about him. But here is what I do know: I know that he was quite possibly the nicest and most gentle man I have ever met, seriously. I know that he raised children whom I admire. And I know that I considered him family for over two years of my life, that he was consistently there when I had no consistency in my own home. I know that I deeply care about people who deeply cared about him and who I know he loved. I think that is where my problem occurs. I cannot stand to see people who I love and care about in pain. In the past two years of my life where heartache has been a reoccurring theme, I have learned how to mourn and grieve in my own way. It is almost automatic now. I know when to be by myself and when to surround myself with people; I know when to cry and when to take control and be strong for those around me; and I know when to scream out to God and when to just sit in His presence and let Him hold me. Okay, let’s be honest. I’m still working on that last part. There are still times I get the two mixed up. But the point is, I can handle it because the emotions are mine and therefore seemingly controllable. What I have also learned, however, because I seem to have been on the grieving side of most situations these past two years, is that there is almost nothing someone can say to bring any comfort in any situation and it is almost always better to offer a bear hug in silence. I have never been to a funeral. Yes, I have known people who have passed away, but I have never truly attended a full funeral service, even when I have been expected to attend. Maybe that makes me selfish because I am not even offering my presence for comfort. I’ve never thought about it that way. Part of my nature and what makes me who I am is how I hurt for other people. My mom says even when I was little I was the maternal one on the playground, running to the aid of someone who falls or offering a hug to my homesick preschool peers. I hurt for other people. I cannot explain the amount of empathy that I have for others, where I truly am in pain when others are in pain and grieve when others grieve. Someday I will attend a funeral, and I have this nightmare that I will be so overwhelmed by trying to bear the burdens of everyone else in the room and knowing there is little I can do to bring any peace that I might just implode.

In all this, though, God is teaching me things about myself and how He will use them for His glory in my future. I look into what I feel God calling me toward, and I see myself going through the grieving process with people on a daily basis. My natural empathy will become even more real I am sure as God teaches me more and more what His love is and how He empathizes with His hurting children. I am terrified, but I am so excited to help others mourn, because I believe that God uses our pain to learn how to fully rely on Him so He can heal us and grow us and mold us into who He wants us to be. I know that He has truly changed me through my circumstance, and I do not even know the girl I was before.

These are not the only things that have made this week a rough one, but I feel I have one more thing personal enough but just impersonal enough to mention in a blog. My family moved last weekend, and this was my first weekend to come home to the new house. We only moved maybe five minutes from my old house, so my mother and my sisters’ lives are remotely the same, going to the same school, having the same job, etc. I lived in my other house for nine years. I have so many memories in that house from middle school and all through high school, but I know that it is just a house. And really, I don’t even live here except for some miscellaneous weekends and holidays. I have been comforting my sisters through the whole moving process, speaking really positive about the whole situation, and not just because I was trying to make them feel better, but because I truly believed it. I love this house, and I just knew I loved it the moment our realtor brought us for a showing. I guess that is why it is so surprising to me that I have been so emotional about it. I got all teary-eyed the weekend they moved while I was three hours away at school and talked to everyone on the phone… But the weirdest thing of all was when I got home for the weekend and came in my new house. No one else was here and I was walking around, checking everything out and tears just welled up in my eyes uncontrollably. I felt completely pathetic, but this was not my home!! How was I ever going to adjust? My tears quickly went away, but I still felt like the house felt cold and was missing something. Once my mom and sisters got home, it did not take me long to realize that I really am in love with this house. I think I would love anywhere we lived. It is not the building that makes the home, but the people. I love my family, and we could make a cardboard box our home.

Two Christmases ago, I gave my mom this huge montage of pictures that I had put together with our family photo in the middle. At the top and bottom it reads in pretty gold letters, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” – Matthew 6:21. I guess I just needed a reminder.

How does one go about ending a blog?

This is 1410 words, just in case you were wondering. Goal exceeded.